kristiapplesauce

Trash

Our trash day is Wednesday. And every Wednesday all the people in our neighborhood put out their black plastic trash bags in front of their homes (nobody has cans) and already there are people outside waiting or walking the streets to sift through.

This past Wednesday as Daniel was putting out our trash, a man was either passing by or out front going through another person's bags and he for whatever reason asked Daniel if it were okay to go through.

Yes, of course....

So, he did and as Daniel was still putting the bags out, the man discovered a chain like one that would secure a fence or with a deadbolt lock. The man was super excited about his find and ran to show his friend down the street of his discovery.

Dan came in and told me all of this, and we then discussed how it is just a few random (or maybe not so random) choices from us or from those around us that it could be us out there sifting through the garbage outside of somebodies home - looking for something useful.

six

He is strong and sexy. He is smart and funny. He is an amazing leader and my very best friend. He showers me with love and protection. He overwhelms me with his love for the Lord and his sacrifice for others. He honors those around him. He almost always puts himself last. He always opens my door for me. He is an incredible cook. He is creative and knows how to fix stuff. He is sensitive and has a great body. He knows how to talk to me. He is a great provider. He has a great personality. He laughs easily. He has great faith. He knows the Bible inside and out. He quotes movies. He understands me better then I understand myself. He feeds the dogs. He holds me. He likes to play board games. He lets me win sometimes. He has great taste in music. He has a great voice. His eyes sparkle. He is a ninja. He still writes me love letters. On long drives, he lets me sleep. He reads the news and gives me the highlights. He watches dumb girl movies with me. He is tall. He knows fun magic tricks. He mows the lawn. He works hard at family relationships. He works hard at everything. He is patient. He desires to seek the Lord in everything we do with our lives. He lets me hold him. He has great morning voice. He makes me happy. He makes up new lyrics to old songs. He makes chocolate chip cookies from a secret recipe. He moved us across the world to feed and love kids. He obeys the Lord. He loves our moms. He thinks out side of the box. He listens to me...even when I ramble. He knows how to get places - even without the GPS. He teaches me about technology. He loves children. He is warm. He makes my whole life better. He overwhelms me with sweet moments. He got us out of my financial debt. He knows random fun facts. He goes and goes and goes until a solution is found to whatever problem we are facing. He is a servant leader. He is my hearts desire and I am forever changed for knowing and having the incredible honor of being by his side.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HUSBAND.

The Mom within

Growing up, my sister was always the one to play house. She would have her dollies and easy bake. She was domestic even at 10. I remember her room always being clean and playing dress up and all the pink girly things she would do….

Me? I am generally a messy person. I am a tomboy at heart and have really strong convictions about organization but no follow-thru. All the toys I preferred growing up were things like transformers and squirt guns. I always wanted to be outside – swimming or climbing trees. I never really saw myself with kids of my own. I just wanted to travel and kiss my husband.  

When Daniel and I moved to SA almost 3 years ago we started preparing and thinking about the idea of growing our family. Not really having a plan, we were waiting and seeing what transpired. We were/are leaning towards adoption as we see and love so many kids here that are hungry and sick – needing homes. We have made some phone calls and inquiries. Not really pushing the issue, but rather seeing if there are any open doors for us. So far, none. But God is God and He will lead us where we need to go.

As we have begun talking and thinking though this possibility of adoption, we have also started wondering if having a baby naturally was the way “to go”. Not really using birth control, we are just kinda “whatever”. If God is going to grow our family, He will. Adoption or a baby within – it’s all good.

I wasn’t really prepared for this.

So being that I never really thought of myself as the “mom type” – (whatever that is) I guess I just assumed that when “it” happened to us, we would figure it out. Like I said, I have never really thought about being a mom, or wanting kids. I wanted a transformer or a squirt gun. So when I kept getting later and later on my “lady situation” I was more and more confused…thinking “Oh…maybe God does intend for me to be a Mom after all”.  So I took a test. I took like 5. All negative.

No worries. Some people are late, right? That late? Maybe. Another test showed positive - So I went to the doctor. She did an ultra sound, another test and blood work. The ultra sound showed a little white mass and the doctor said it was where “the baby ought to be” but then both tests came back negative. A couple more days and tests – all negative and then – the crazy hit.

I will not describe to you the funky physical details of what my body is doing – but as my girlfriend was telling me over the phone “signs to look for” to identify a miscarriage – I have been experiencing all of them.

It is okay actually. I am okay. We are okay. We don’t even know if this is what is happening. Who even knows such a thing? God, right? But I am sad and that surprises me. Not because I am a monster but because I’m not the “Mom” type. I’ve never had an easy bake. I still don’t know how to cook. Our kids will probably starve.

But I do know that already I loved this, whatever…this possibility, this hope - that I shared a couple weeks with. I loved that my body changed. I loved that my heart changed. I loved that my relationship with Daniel changed and I love that my surrender to God has changed because all of a sudden in a heartbeat – my whole existence became about loving and nurturing and caring for and honoring somebody else.

Maybe God was just preparing us for the future. Maybe God knows something we don’t know. Maybe we will never know. Who knows?  Sometimes I think there are no answers…and that’s okay too.

Forgive

I have been camping out in 1 Corinthians lately and it reads :

"Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited; does not act improperly; is not selfish;  is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrongs;finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

Do I act like that? I mean really? Do I love like that? Do I allow myself to accept and receive the love others have for me? Do I honor God and others with my heart and motives? Do I seek and give and trust or do I hold back and manipulate and hurt and force my way?

Lord, Change my heart tonight. Allow my whole life to be identified with you. That you would make your mark on my heart and that every choice, word and step I make would be in line with your will.
Forgive me where I fail you, and allow your peace to reign over me still.

Thinking through...

I don't know a whole lot about anything...but thinking through some stuff....

A while ago somebody was talking to us and said something along the lines of "Well, you live the 'missionary' life-style' by way of you not having a dishwasher, tv, dryer, internet (unlimited; reliable), other comforts of 'home', security, a police system that works, ect."

So that got me thinking. Why do we think we "deserve" those things? Are they necessities or are they all just something we have gotten used to? Further more, why does that make us, here doing mission work - any more whatever for not having them? We could probably raise more money to get a dishwasher, tv and dryer - but we are fine not having them. I like drying our clothes out side. For now, it's just the two of us, so washing our dishes in the sink works and the tv is a personal choice because we aren't home much and then we would have to get satellite and/or cable and then it's just more and more and more. We personally don't need that stuff so whatever.

Sometimes I wish for "other" like a 911 system so when we call the police they came, but so far we have been safe. I sometimes wonder in my daydreams and desire the "comforts" of our past life - but that isn't what God has called us to. I also know that if ever a time God brings us back to the States, we will be living a less then crazy life then we lived when we did 3 years ago. We were in total excess. It was wild the way we squandered our wealth. Why did we do that? It is unnecessary and untrue to the call on our lives.

So whatever. Today I will choose to be content in the life God has called us to. Yeah, that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

Monday Prayer - "I'm mad edition".

We are friends with these amazing people who lead at ThriveAfrica and they have had some problems with some break-ins on the property lately....and this news makes me mad. It actually makes my head spin - like there is nowhere to go. I know this not to be true - because there is total hope and justice and glory to be found...but dang.

So won't you please pray for them today - or for however long? Please pray for the safety of the staff there and for the ministry. That the people who live/work/love there won't be discouraged - but rather will be confirmed in what God is calling them to do while in South Africa. That God will bring to justice all the people involved in this crime and that there will be no profit in what they are choosing to do, but rather their hearts will be turned around to the Holy One and that they will know God rather then a life of sin.

In other Monday Prayer news....

If you have any other prayer news, requests or insights - please feel free to leave it here. We will be praying for you throughout the week or beyond if need be. We love you and are honored to stand beside you on this journey. 

All are welcome here.

motion

A very wise person in my life once told me…

 

“It is easier to change directions once you are already in motion.”

 

They went on to explain that if you are surrendering to and obeying the Lord with your life, then it really is harder to get going from a stand still – but if you are in motion already and if you make a mistake or need to shift your focus; you don’t have to start from stop to fix your wrongs.

 

I still think this is sound and true advice. We try to honor God and surrender our wills unto Him every single moment. We don’t always understand the path or know where we will end up, but we make corrections when necessary and keep going because they were right…it is harder and crazier and sometimes depressing to get going from a dead stop and almost always (if I’m not already moving) I end up making excuse after excuse of why I can’t do whatever it is I know I should be doing.

 

But I have realized in the last few days that sometimes it is actually better for me to halt my life to that complete stop and wait and process and control my motion because when I am speeding right past my decisions and bla bla blaing my way through – it is almost impossible to hear the directions or to know the way.

 

I know I am contradicting myself here – but sometimes there is no way around it. Sometimes you have to move and sometimes you have to wait to figure the way.

Who?

I struggle sometimes knowing where I fit in or what it is I am actually supposed to be doing with myself. I know that I am meant to be here in South Africa...serving and loving these kids, these adults - my husband and friends who are here...but sometimes I get all wrapped up in it and get frustrated and lost and confused and lost in the crazy of it.

I am (by nature) cluttered and nervous, doubtful and intense. I see things blurred and magnified. I am dramatic and loud. I get all worked up over the littlest thing. I love completely and will loose my temper over the smallest detail. I can't seem to ever find my sunglasses and my dogs still aren't trained. My husband is the best part of me and my house is never dusted. My parents still call to remind me that the weather might be bad (when we are in the States). I struggle to drive (well) but I can type really fast. The only way I ever know which direction we are headed is when the GPS is on, but now the cord is broken so lately we are constantly wondering where we are. I drink a million cups of coffee a day and I never say no to my mom's cooking.

I long to know the Holy Son of God in everything I am and even though I battle all these things, I know I am a work in progress and hopefully one of these days, I will know where my keys and watch are, the dishes won't be stacked so high, my dogs won't jump on every single person who walks through the door and my sensitive sensitivities won't overwhelm me (and everyone else) because I am (at least on that day) surrendering all of myself back to God. 

My sister hated me....

When I was little this is what I believed. My sister and I would fight and fight. Every year we would go Trick or Treating and we always had these amazing costumes my mom had sewn for us; my mom rocks!

So this one year, there we were - going all around the neighborhood and all of a sudden, to my horror and surprise - my sister pushes me into the biggest hole on the planet and my candy goes every where. It was pitch black right there, in between houses and instead of helping the situation, my sister begins to steal all of my candy as I scramble to pick all of it up off the ground.

I am, by this time crying and screaming and crying and hollering at my mom to punish my sister but she is laughing at us. I am three years younger then Laura; my horrible, mean sister and I didn't realize that she and my mom were talking and she really wasn't trick or treating that year, it was only for my benefit that she was there at all (so she tells me later)...they also tell me that they were about 15 feet behind me and I tripped over something "on my own" or "over my own two feet" (into the gigantic hole) and she wasn't stealing my candy but rather trying to help me pick it up and give it back - because we were all in the dark and I was hysterical. But that isn't how I remember it at all. Whatever. She is a liar and a thief. She was dressed as a ninja that year and I was of course dressed as a fairy princess. So you can believe what you want to.

The end.

Blog friend, shmog friend.

When they first arrived, their kids were kind of tired (from the 11 hour drive, I'm sure) so it didn't surprise me or make me nervous when Silas announced he wanted to go back to his house (he is 3). But it did make me wonder and hope for the best as we settled into conversation and unpacked the car for the week. I thought, "our house is kinda small...so I hope we all get along". It also crossed my mind for a brief second..."I hope they don't kill us in the middle of the night, ha ha" (nervous laughter) - as it always sort of does whenever I meet a blog friend for real life.

But then right away, they were fabulous. We had already talked a few times on the phone and we have been blogging and emailing for a while, so this friendship was holding before they even got here - but when they did, it just sealed the deal. Right away we were at the beach, we were taking walks, we were drinking coffee, we were talking, we were playing outside with their babies, we were napping, we were laughing, we were trying to cook, we were doing life. 

This season has been strange for us. Daniel and I have been praying and worrying, thinking about our life and why we don't have what we did in the States; friends I mean. And we have realized that life isn't supposed to mean or look like what we so desire...but rather what God does. And if we are wrapped up, tied up, sealed and surrendered in all that the Holy One has for us...then what the honk is there for us to complain about? Seriously? Nothing. We have so many amazing things to be thankful for and this season of friendship and love and tenderness I think is just the beginning of seeing things with our eyes wide open.

So thank you David and Amy. Thank you for coming and loving us. Thank you for sharing your heart and ministry with us. Thank you for driving a million miles with your two toddlers to get to the beach us. Thank you for your friendship and wisdom. Thank you for laughing and for just being.Thank you for being an example of Godly parenting.

I was more comfortable with you this week then I have been with myself in quite a long while. I am excited to see where our friendship leads us. So thank you!