kristiapplesauce

motion

A very wise person in my life once told me…

 

“It is easier to change directions once you are already in motion.”

 

They went on to explain that if you are surrendering to and obeying the Lord with your life, then it really is harder to get going from a stand still – but if you are in motion already and if you make a mistake or need to shift your focus; you don’t have to start from stop to fix your wrongs.

 

I still think this is sound and true advice. We try to honor God and surrender our wills unto Him every single moment. We don’t always understand the path or know where we will end up, but we make corrections when necessary and keep going because they were right…it is harder and crazier and sometimes depressing to get going from a dead stop and almost always (if I’m not already moving) I end up making excuse after excuse of why I can’t do whatever it is I know I should be doing.

 

But I have realized in the last few days that sometimes it is actually better for me to halt my life to that complete stop and wait and process and control my motion because when I am speeding right past my decisions and bla bla blaing my way through – it is almost impossible to hear the directions or to know the way.

 

I know I am contradicting myself here – but sometimes there is no way around it. Sometimes you have to move and sometimes you have to wait to figure the way.

Who?

I struggle sometimes knowing where I fit in or what it is I am actually supposed to be doing with myself. I know that I am meant to be here in South Africa...serving and loving these kids, these adults - my husband and friends who are here...but sometimes I get all wrapped up in it and get frustrated and lost and confused and lost in the crazy of it.

I am (by nature) cluttered and nervous, doubtful and intense. I see things blurred and magnified. I am dramatic and loud. I get all worked up over the littlest thing. I love completely and will loose my temper over the smallest detail. I can't seem to ever find my sunglasses and my dogs still aren't trained. My husband is the best part of me and my house is never dusted. My parents still call to remind me that the weather might be bad (when we are in the States). I struggle to drive (well) but I can type really fast. The only way I ever know which direction we are headed is when the GPS is on, but now the cord is broken so lately we are constantly wondering where we are. I drink a million cups of coffee a day and I never say no to my mom's cooking.

I long to know the Holy Son of God in everything I am and even though I battle all these things, I know I am a work in progress and hopefully one of these days, I will know where my keys and watch are, the dishes won't be stacked so high, my dogs won't jump on every single person who walks through the door and my sensitive sensitivities won't overwhelm me (and everyone else) because I am (at least on that day) surrendering all of myself back to God. 

My sister hated me....

When I was little this is what I believed. My sister and I would fight and fight. Every year we would go Trick or Treating and we always had these amazing costumes my mom had sewn for us; my mom rocks!

So this one year, there we were - going all around the neighborhood and all of a sudden, to my horror and surprise - my sister pushes me into the biggest hole on the planet and my candy goes every where. It was pitch black right there, in between houses and instead of helping the situation, my sister begins to steal all of my candy as I scramble to pick all of it up off the ground.

I am, by this time crying and screaming and crying and hollering at my mom to punish my sister but she is laughing at us. I am three years younger then Laura; my horrible, mean sister and I didn't realize that she and my mom were talking and she really wasn't trick or treating that year, it was only for my benefit that she was there at all (so she tells me later)...they also tell me that they were about 15 feet behind me and I tripped over something "on my own" or "over my own two feet" (into the gigantic hole) and she wasn't stealing my candy but rather trying to help me pick it up and give it back - because we were all in the dark and I was hysterical. But that isn't how I remember it at all. Whatever. She is a liar and a thief. She was dressed as a ninja that year and I was of course dressed as a fairy princess. So you can believe what you want to.

The end.

Blog friend, shmog friend.

When they first arrived, their kids were kind of tired (from the 11 hour drive, I'm sure) so it didn't surprise me or make me nervous when Silas announced he wanted to go back to his house (he is 3). But it did make me wonder and hope for the best as we settled into conversation and unpacked the car for the week. I thought, "our house is kinda small...so I hope we all get along". It also crossed my mind for a brief second..."I hope they don't kill us in the middle of the night, ha ha" (nervous laughter) - as it always sort of does whenever I meet a blog friend for real life.

But then right away, they were fabulous. We had already talked a few times on the phone and we have been blogging and emailing for a while, so this friendship was holding before they even got here - but when they did, it just sealed the deal. Right away we were at the beach, we were taking walks, we were drinking coffee, we were talking, we were playing outside with their babies, we were napping, we were laughing, we were trying to cook, we were doing life. 

This season has been strange for us. Daniel and I have been praying and worrying, thinking about our life and why we don't have what we did in the States; friends I mean. And we have realized that life isn't supposed to mean or look like what we so desire...but rather what God does. And if we are wrapped up, tied up, sealed and surrendered in all that the Holy One has for us...then what the honk is there for us to complain about? Seriously? Nothing. We have so many amazing things to be thankful for and this season of friendship and love and tenderness I think is just the beginning of seeing things with our eyes wide open.

So thank you David and Amy. Thank you for coming and loving us. Thank you for sharing your heart and ministry with us. Thank you for driving a million miles with your two toddlers to get to the beach us. Thank you for your friendship and wisdom. Thank you for laughing and for just being.Thank you for being an example of Godly parenting.

I was more comfortable with you this week then I have been with myself in quite a long while. I am excited to see where our friendship leads us. So thank you!

Anticipation

I don't even remember how it started...but ever since I can remember- whenever a flight took off the runway, I would lift my feet off the "ground" and wait for take off. I would anticipate the rush and be so excited for that lift - that loose your stomach feeling; that whoosh...where you know you are lifted into the air. 

So last week I was talking to my dear friend about parenting and life and she said something so profound. She talked about not getting ahead of yourself; about her son - she said " Instead of waiting for Silas to express his needs and then allowing myself to respond to them… I was always stressed out frantically trying to anticipate his needs and meet them before they became actual needs. My husband helped me chill out- and to realize how healthy it is for someone to be able to have a need, express it, and then have it met.  In me always trying to anticipate his needs… I missed so many moments of just enjoying him.  I was always trying to be 10 steps ahead of him instead of right with him.

So as she was speaking, I realized that although I don't have children - her wisdom totally applies to me. I have been (this whole time) jumping 5, 10, 20, 100 steps ahead of God. Not waiting for Him to necessarily speak into my life, but trying to be ahead of the game. Trying to anticipate and judge and maneuver...rather then allow Him to move and speak into my life - then obey and submit to His desires. I need to respond to Him. I need to relax and enjoy the Father; basking in my relationship with Him...not over-analyzing or trying to control it. I need to be in the moment and not 10 steps ahead or behind. Waiting on Him to lead.

 

Here I am Lord, I will wait on you.

Her journey

My amazing South African friend Renee' wrote this about her trip here. She came on a team and this is what she wrote of her experience:

So many have been asking, so here it is...I'm finding it really hard to tell people just how much my trip to South Africa meant to me and how much it touched my life. It seems to me that to get it, one would need to have been there to feel it, touch it, smell it and live it, so I'm not sure that writing about it is going to really fully explain what this amazing experience did for me...

I finally, after a long, long time, got to come back home and it touched me on so many different levels. I was really nervous about going home not just as a visitor this time but also to serve. Before I left I was dealing with some guilt, embarrassment and feelings of shame because I knew I would be coming face to face with some deeply buried issues. I had grown up a "privileged white child" during apartheid and even though there was not much I could have done to change the way things were while I was so young, I lived during that time and that in and of itself made me part of the problem. I wonder why we never thought to question the system. Why we didn’t think to affect change. Why we allowed such behavior from our government and yet never stepped in to fix it.

Anyway, I waded through all the difficult personal stuff during the first several days and then I jumped in and immersed myself in the moments and there was so much joy and such a sweet letting go and the pain I felt at the sadness and hopelessness I saw around me was quickly replaced by little girls who held my face between their hands as they planted sweet kisses right on my lips! Beautiful big brown eyes filled with hope because strangers from a faraway place would come to their dirt packed yards and into their confusing, complicated lives just to love them. My heart was warmed by dirty little boy-hands snaking their way into my coat pockets and asking me to keep their little homemade toys safe. I loved sharing the food right off my plate with kids who sometimes don’t get to eat some days because there just isn’t any food or a mother to fix it.

I don't think I can adequately express the tumultuous emotions I experienced while in the company of these beautiful children. From sadness and hopelessness, to overwhelming joy… From babies found in dumpsters to precious little boys with HIV...we loved these kids and hugged these kids, held these kids and cried with these kids. We ladled soup into anything that would hold it, giving them the only meal they had for the day and watched them sing their grace with eyes tightly shut and sheer joy on their faces. We spent time with Mamas who are caring for way too many children in far too little space and we listened to village elders try to understand the horrors of AIDS with the shadow it’s casting over a whole generation. How does one get them to understand that the horror of it will not be washed away in the shower, or cured with a diet of vegetables or by sleeping with a virgin? They will not save their sons and daughters or their grandchildren if they continue to ignore the 3-letter plague that is claiming a life every 60 seconds, in their country.

I fell in love all over again with the country I was raised in. It's so beautiful, and returning after so many years I once again understand the intangible tug that Africa seems to have on the hearts of those who have both lived there and visited. It is so rich in culture and the people are all so beautiful. I made connections with new friends...sweet Afrikaans guys and girls and Xhosa college students that I’ve fallen in love with, all who are pouring their young lives into building relationships with the unwanted and unloved of South Africa. Sleeping in shacks and huts with the people they're serving ~ they have challenged and inspired me with their unfailing faith in God's amazing grace. I’m in awe of the HIV+ Mamas that are caring unconditionally for children not their own, the HIV+ children who want to be held close so they can feel a mother's touch, soaking up attention that is not threatening and violent...Their open faces and heart-stopping smiles inviting me into their lives. I held kids who were pulled out of dumpsters as babies, girls who had been raped, a beautiful little 5 year old boy with open lesions. All these kids yearning for the love of a God who created them in His own image...I wish you could hear them sing, their faces raised to the Son as they belt out their prayers in Xhosa harmony that brought me to tears every time I heard them. What an amazing miracle these children are...and the future of this floundering country.

I was given an incredible experience ~ a gift. I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am to have been able to empty myself and still miraculously come home with a full, full heart.

~R

Here are some amazing links you have to check out...

http://www.callhermama.com/
Sponsoring a child in South Africa: http://www.onelifechild.org/
Oceans of Mercy website: http://www.oceansofmercy.com

Prayer

How can we pray for you this week?

Encouragement

It is strange how people are all connected. It surprises me and makes me all warm inside every time somebody comes here - all the way across the world to share in the lives of the South African people. It then shocks and revives me when those same people invest and love us; beyond what they do when they come on a team. We (although we have some friends here) are a little isolated. We work a lot and we spend the majority of our time with the Xhosa people, so we absolutely rely on contact from “home”, even though we are trying our hardest to make our home here. So last year there was this amazing young woman who came by herself. She was trying to find her way and (I think) trying to see where her path was leading her in this maze of serving people. She came with many questions and left with even more. I didn’t get a chance to spend a whole lot of time with her because she actually didn’t come under Oceans of Mercy, but with a partner we have over here…but there were 3 or 4 days in there we hung out. Anyways, since then, we have emailed and she has grown an amazing heart for the S. Africans. She has been praying and loving the people here and I am so encouraged. I have always thought that it takes an army to accomplish what God is doing – and she is one that is making it happen. The other day, we received this package. Inside, there were some goodies for Daniel and I – but also there were gifts for the people we work with as well (school supplies, scarves, vitamins, picture frames....) It was like she reached right into my chest and massaged my heart. So thank you, Friend. Thank you for not only loving me – but for loving the people of South Africa. I don’t know what we would do without supporters (friends) like you!

Oceans of Mercy Banquet

When Daniel and I were trying to figure out our situation with who or where or when we were going to the mission field - Oceans came into view and we were hooked. One of the spectacular things about Oceans of Mercy is that they (we) don't take money from the kids for administration. Not that we don't have administration fees (paper, gas for our cars, phone, computer....) and not that we don't struggle to find where the money comes from, but when people donate towards the Child Sponsorship Program - or towards Soup Clubs or towards any of the other programs - 100% of that money goes towards those kids and then we do other fund raisers to help the ministry run. Even the money we need to stay here in South Africa - Daniel and I are responsible to go to churches and to meet with family and friends to raise funding because Ocean's money goes towards the kids. All that money is invested into the children. How amazing is that? So if you are interested in Oceans of Mercy (or want to learn a little more) and live in the Kansas City area and want an amazing night out with some cool people and some great food - please come!

 

Curtains

I listened to the story about four times because, well, she kept telling it and since we were filming- sometimes it meant that she said it too low for the camera to pick her up or she would forget to say it in English so we would have her do it again or because there was too much back ground noise or whatever...It didn't matter to me though; it mesmerized me each time. I just kept looking at her and thinking "this woman is made up of something much stronger, her heart goes much deeper, she is much more grounded then I will ever know".

The story was of her feeding kids. She is always feeding kids. But it also involved her curtains. She, in the early days of her ministry was donated food to feed the kids in her neighborhood and when she got it every week, it had bugs in it. So she did what she had to. She sifted the food.

With. Her. Curtains.

Her lace curtains. The first time she said it, I snapped to attention to make sure I heard right because maybe it was "lost in translation". But nope. She said it. 

She kind of lost me after that, because I then got lost in the curtains hanging in her window. I asked her if they were the same ones hanging there. Of course they were. She said she just cleaned them with some soap. Then she laughed at me the way she always does when I ask a silly question or do something crazy.

I love this woman and I can't wait for her story to be told.